Editors note: Forum member Phaxmodem wrote the following story, and was kind enough to allow us to republish it as an article. It provided enough laugher for two days worth of Computex pain and so we’re sharing it with you, our dear readers. Please note, two days of laughter at Computex is worth 4 days of laughter at IDF, and 19 days at any of the top 4 Microsoft events.
WELCOME TO MY liveblog of the Apple WWDC keynote speech. I was not able to actually attend, so I’m just going to post what I believe happened, and since it is on the Internet, it is true.
10:00AM Lights go up, and some hippie jam band music starts to play
10:00:15AM 500 attendees simultaneously save & close their Final Cut Pro projects starring their cats wearing hemp jewelry, open up Safari and log into Twitter. (The free WiFi is starting to bog down)
10:01AM Huge applause as Steve Jobs steps up to the open mic at the Cupertino Starbucks.
10:02AM “Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your baristas. First I would like to start out by showing you some meaningless numbers… and you will like it.
10:03AM “The iPad has been a phenominal success. To date, we have sold eleven, million trillion units, and that is just in the United States! We are launching gloabally and expect sales to increase by 14,000,000% by tomorrow! Simply Amazing”
10:04AM “The app store, has shown tremendous growth over the past 3 years. We now have over 3 Million fart apps, and 5.7 Billion flashlight apps to choose from. No one else even comes close to us here.”
10:05AM “I will not discuss MAC OS X because it is now irrelevant. I have decided that closed OS’s, and non-upgradeable devices are the wave of the future, and on that note let me introduce iOS 4!”
10:07AM “We have packed over 13 Billion new features into this release, including the ability to run simultaneous fart apps at the same time!”
10:09AM “And finally, check this out. It’s beautiful, magical, shiny, thin, glassy, sexy, and phoney. The iPhone 4.”
Steve pulls a shiny object out of his pants. I assume it’s the phone he’s talking about, but can’t be sure from the glare.
10:10AM “This phone does it all. Two cameras. Video chatting over WiFi. Twice as shiny. And thin, Soooooo thin, you will be forced to purchase a case for it that triples its thickness and makes the phone look like like a POS just to hold the damn thing.
10:12AM “And one more thing.”
Steve is pausing for dramatic effect. The excitement in this overcrowded coffee house is palpable.
10:13AM “Everyone look under your seat. It is a free court ordered document that you signed on entry stating you will buy at least three phones on launch day! How great is that!”
10:14AM “Thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience. No go buy my crap! Daddy needs a new turtleneck.”
Steve exits the stage, and people resume editing videos of their cats and updating their Facebook status’s to state how much they love the iPhone 4.S|A