iPhone 4 Black-Balls Right Handed Porn Seekers

...or should that be blue?

Apple Logo iPhone 4 Black Balls Right Handed Porn SeekersAPPLE INC., ESTEEMED purveyor of glass-covered shiny objects, has launched its latest salvo against the pornography industry with the release of its new “retina-display” packing iPhone 4. The all new fingerprint collector has the highest pixel-density of any phone to date, offering a 4X improvement in areolic-clarity compared to previous models. The appeal of this feature is immediately apparent, however Lord Steve-o has built in a special surprise for his right-handed lackeys.

With people rapidly taking shipment of their new i-toys, a singular perilous cry can be heard reverberating across the nation: “Oh wow!  Yes, yes, wha… NooooooOOOO!”  The cause of this distress is the disturbing revelation that holding the new iPhone in ones left hand can drop radio (read: porn) reception to nil, rendering video unwatchable, images unviewable, and stressful days unrewarded.  A recently leaked patent application for the new device seems to confirm the intentional nature of this phenomenon.

iphone patent iPhone 4 Black Balls Right Handed Porn Seekers

Flesh-colored screen enhancement company Pink Visual is leading the charge against this feature recently issuing a press release stating that they are developing a “left-hand optimized”  version of their mobile porn site.

The implications of this signal blocking technology are truly monumental. By inhibiting the use of adult entertainment on its devices, Apple is effectively promoting an environment where the only recourse, for even its most rabid of fan boys, will be to take out their obnoxious white ear buds and look for silicone instead of silicon. As a result, more fan boys (and girls) are born into the world craving Apple products like crack babies.

You win this round Steve. Well played.S|A

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